I love the Weight Watchers program, I really do! But sometimes, I just want to “LOSE 30 LBS in 30 days!” “Lose fast—and never regain!” “Eat nature’s most fat-burning food!” and have “NO MORE CRAVINGS!” I have now developed quite the addiction!
So as not to look at the Milky Way Bars and Cool Ranch Doritos when checking out at the supermarket, I’ve been occupying my time by perusing that special brand of Woman’s magazines that are only $1.79! They’re the ones that have taken out stock in exclamation points! In just one week, I can beat fatigue! Prevent cancer! Never feel hungry again! Make a year’s worth of dinners! Reduce stress! End clutter! And save $100 on my grocery bill! And I can do all this while having the same hair color and cut as my favorite TV stars, erasing my wrinkles, and baking cute spider-web cupcakes for my child’s classroom! (Oh wait, my child is in college).
The problem is that there is a tad too much schizophrenia sprinkled on top of those turkey-sausage-chili-cheese-mid-week-supper rags. The same magazine that has me losing more than 100 pounds is telling me to make a jumbo brownie sundae. On one page, I am learning about the miracle superfruit that will give me an all-natural weight loss! And then there are four pages of ads
for dietary supplements. What gives? The hope and promise of those all-caps, overexclaimed cover headlines tend to fade by page 62, and not even t he inspirational stories or pictures of precious Indiana babies in the autumn leaf piles can lift my spirits.
The magazine should have articles like “Gain all the weight back in 3 days with the miracle chocolate, peanut butter, whipped cream cake!” or “Fight fatigue! Stop the damn walking regimen and take a nap already!” “Forget Julia Roberts! Love your ratty, wayward hair!” “Reduce handbag clutter! Throw out those coupons! You never use them anyway!” And the cover story should read “Eat Appropriate Portions of Healthy Food and Do 100 Minutes of Exercise! Maybe You’ll Lose a Pound this Week …..or Maybe Next Week!” Now there’s a miracle I can believe in.